Writing through a broken heart

On Thursday evening I received a text from my cousin who was expecting her third child. She was on her way to the hospital. While at her checkup earlier in the day they discovered the baby’s heart was no longer beating. This was the second time in as many years she was facing this tragedy. A few hours later I learned another member of my cousin’s family lost her baby the same day. This morning I woke to the news a fellow Craftsman and a woman I love dearly lost her own precious baby. Three babies in three days. And my heart is breaking for each one.

In the past few months I’ve watched four young mothers begin the grieving process when they should have been planning baby showers, picking out names, and cooing over ultrasound images. As a friend, my heart breaks because all I can do is sit with them and as a writer, my gift of words has failed me. What can I say in a time like this? I’ve yet to experience the excitement of discovering I carry new life within me. So how can I even begin to fathom the heartache knowing I’ll never hug that child or hold my breath as he climbs trees that barely support his weight or as she puts on her first “ball gown” and dances around the room on her daddy’s toes.

We all handle grief in our own ways and I’ve found great solace in writing. In this, I am not alone. The longest and most quoted book in Scripture are the Psalms of King David. It’s his journal. In one entry he cries out in anguish in another he sings his Lord’s praises. He questions, he doubts, he struggles, he finds comfort in his faith, and most of all he rests in the arms of One whose strength knows no limits.

What I find most healing in journaling through grief is that I can be completely open and honest with my feelings. I don’t have to put on a brave face for others. If I want to scream, I scream. If I need to cry, I cry. And it never matters how many times I repeat the same words over and over. Journaling also has a calming effect. It helps gives my tumultuous emotions a channel so they don’t overwhelm me. There have been many times I’ve fallen asleep while writing on nights I otherwise would have tossed and turned until dawn.

I’ve also discovered that some of my greatest insights have come in journaling through my darkest hours. Some of those entries have served as the basis for articles that have helped others who are struggling with the same trials and brokenness.

God promises to work all things for the good of those who love Him, but in moments like these it can be all but impossible to see what good that could be. When my cousin lost her Angel baby last year, it nearly crushed her. But in the year since I’ve watched a tighter connection grow between her husband and their two children. She rediscovered her faith, and she developed some amazing friendships with other women who were also struggling with loss. I hate watching her go through this again so soon. And I  hate seeing my other friends struggling with questions of WHY. At the same time I am anxiously watching to see how their stories turn out, because I am confident that the Author of their lives has already writen them a happy ending.

A Writer’s Knapsack

Clothes for 3 days ✓

Toiletries ✓

Sun Block ✓

Bathing Suit/Beach Towel ✓

Hiking Shoes ✓

Moleskine Notebook ✓✓

Extra pens ✓

Spiral Notebook ✓

Journals ✓

A re-awakened thirst for adventure & inspiration ­✓✓✓

See you all next week!

Jen

The Writer's Diary

I was in second grade when my friend Lisa gave me my first journal for my birthday. Looking back, the gift was more than likely her mother’s idea (most kids would have picked out a toy), but it’s one of the few presents that I remember receiving when I was little. In fact, as you can see from the photo, I still have it. 

I enjoy picking it up from time to time and reading about what was important to 8-year-old Jen. There are also little stories, poems, and songs mixed in the pages. It’s riddled with misspellings that I later took a purple marker to in an attempt to (often incorrectly) correct. Of all the gifts I received as a child, this one played an instrumental role in the woman I would grow up to be.

Although I don’t keep a detailed account of every aspect of every day, I have since filled several more journals. I currently keep three: One in which I work out what life is dishing out to me. One keeps verses that stand out to me during my morning Bible time and what it is that particular passage means to me. The third focuses specifically on my writing.

Unlike my other journals, my writer’s diary is a Word doc that I keep on my laptop, newest entry to oldest. The initial entry is dated November 15, 2002. I was a junior in college and had just changed my major to English after belatedly realizing Pre-med was not the course of study I was meant to take. It was my first Creative Writing course, and I was in over my head. I had to write a short story for the second half of the term and had no clue what it was going to be about. The poetry piece I spent the first half of the term on was drastically different from the dark, morbid, and virtually unintelligible pieces many of my classmates had read. Mine was lyrical and told the story of a young boy called Philly and one of his adventures. It was childish. It was innocent. And I was mortified when I found out I had to read it aloud in class. For some strange reason, however, my classmates loved it and the week before my story was due, convinced me to write my story about Philly.

That day marked my first major step in my journey as a writer. Since that day, I’ve used this journal to document my high and low points; it tracks when I love writing and can’t get all my thoughts out fast enough. It also records when I can’t seem to grasp a single word. I use it to explore my characters, to vent my frustrations, and to serve as a reminder of why it is I write.

Like the journal Lisa gave me, it’s something I can look back on to see my personal growth. I can smile at the mistakes I’ve learned from, be re-inspired when I’m tempted to burn my WIP, and it’s a place where I’m free to dream the biggest dreams I can imagine, then use it as a springboard to push myself to dream even bigger.

–Jen

How do you track your growth as a writer? Do you record your goals and dreams?  I’d love to hear from you!